It's crazy when you are going through a divorce as a single mom because when you close your eyes at night, your mind kicks into overdrive. Emails unanswered, unpaid bills, attorney fees, custody issues, all swirl in my head. It's like watching a hurricane off the east coast on Doplar radar. It swirls and turns and gains strength as it gets closer to shore.
I wasn't always this way. For the previous 30 plus years of my life I was a sound sleeper. My family even jokes about one time when my mom was rushed to the hospital, I slept through the entire episode. Including the gurney being pulled right past my bedroom door! But I was 7 years old and had not a single worry in the world. I slept like a baby.
Fast forward a few decades and as a newly married woman I continued to sleep amazingly well. Regardless of the newlywed festivities that happened earlier on in the night I was never a "spooner". I always chose to sleep on my left side, hands folded as if praying and tucked under my left cheek (the one on my face, not the "other" cheek). My bedroom was always a safe haven. A retreat from the world. I built our newlywed bed like an old Italian lady would make a pan of lasagna. So no surprise when I crafted the bedding from the best linens, these cheeks (now we're talking about the other cheeks) rested on a top of the line pillow top mattress covered in Egyptian Cotton of the highest count, and topped off with a premium goose down comforter. Fast forward again to the arrival of our first daughter and say bye bye to the luxury bed linens. Once you see baby puke on your precious luxury linens, it's just not the same.
Being 5'11" and married at the time to a 6'2" man, we were perfectly comfortable with a Queen sized bed. Add a exceptionally tall toddler in the mix and we quickly decided to move up to the King size mattress. Aaahhh, sweet sweet sleep space. There was nothing like it. (Although I've heard that a King size mattress is the death of a marriage - we'll chat about that later).
Now that I have this lovely mattress all to myself it has once again returned to my oasis. I won't lie, there are times when I feel as if I'm sleeping in some place as vast as the Sahara and long for a confined space and my mind wanders back to the newlywed days of snuggling in the tiny Queen size bed. However, I've come to realize that I'd rather have those happy memories to keep me warm in a gigantic King size bed than have that same someone here in bed with me and feel I'm on an expedition in Anartica.
Now, as a single mom, at any given time during the night, my bedroom turns into the Pacific Ocean. The TV - blaring from the sitting room like a distress call from a ship about to sink. My bed - a life raft with three "survivors" sleeping as if being tossed about by the sea during a 100 year storm. My nightstand - an island peppered with wreckage from the day: a handful of Little Pets, sippy cups, animal crackers, or my latest read, earrings, my cat, a tiara, my iPhone and Starburst wrappers from my midnight pantry raid.
Let's not kid ourselves - I love sleep, I wasn't designed to run on only 3 hours of sleep. This is not my first choice. I'd much rather be in a luscious Ambien induced sleep in a dark bedroom, with a Do Not Disturb sign on my door, and promptly awake to breakfast in bed as my maid opens the lush velvet drapes to allow the sunshine to pour into my room as I welcome a new day. But the citizens of MomTown aren't always that cooperative.
This is my crazy season of life and I love it. I have to admit I love sleep, but I love this more. Although being kicked in the back or slapped by a flying preschooler's hand in the middle of REM is not ideal, but in the magical morning hours I love waking up with 10 precious little toes in my face. Or feeling the gentle pat of my 5 year old's little hand on my face each morning as she says, "I love you Mommy...you're my bestest friend. I love you more than sunshine." For this...these moments are what make my room a retreat from the world. No matter what the craziness of the day brings, there's always my safe haven.
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